The Right Decision For Me

By Nicole Ayilola | VOX Staff

Art by Jasmine Gallman | VOX Staff

I was always told sex was something to experience when I was older, and my mom’s common rants about how chocolate was sometimes better than sex didn’t make me anxious to find out how it felt. Even after my first kiss, I was more curious to know what decisions led to sex than wanting to experience it. I wanted to know why one girl would choose to lose her virginity at 12 while another chooses to wait until her wedding night. At 16, I was faced with a big decision about sex. Even though it was tough, I’m proud I chose to wait.

Seeking Fun
A month before I moved from New York to Georgia with my mom, my primary goal was to have as much fun as possible, and I knew exactly where to go. I packed a bag and left my house, which was already swarmed with moving boxes. By the time I got to my best friend Cindy’s house, I was sweating with anticipation.

I knew there was something different when she greeted me with a mischievous smirk painted on her face.
“The boys,” she whispered as I walked in.

I had found the fun I was searching for. Steven and James, her neighbors, whom I’d met at the park weeks before, were sitting on the couch watching TV.

Steven, at 16, had a low haircut and delicate, manly lips. Muscles peeked through his white v-neck tee, and so did his two arms full of tattoos that my mom wouldn’t hesitate to skin off. We vibed right off the bat. He was rather flirtatious, touching my arm or thigh and making suggestive comments. I was flattered and laughed more than usual, which made him flirt even more.

When they left, Cindy informed me that there would be a party later that night, and everyone would be there – including Steven. Cindy implied that he was the life of many parties. I double checked my reflection and added more lip gloss before heading out. I was ecstatic. Not only were we going to be out most of the night, but I could be as free and grown as I chose.

Plunging In
The first sight to welcome us at the party was Steven and James grinding with girls. Cindy informed me that the girl Steven was dancing with was his ex. To say the least, I was hurt — not that I expected to marry Steven, but he had just been flirting with me a couple hours before. Apparently, this boy was fast.

It took me an hour to get into my “hunky dory” mood again. Steven had asked me to dance twice. I vehemently denied him both times and entertained myself. I was still a little hurt and thought that denying him would get more attention than a simple yes. It was a night destined for something novel, and my arms were wide open.

After the party, Steven invited Cindy and me to James’ house. I didn’t want to be a party pooper and bring Cindy home early, so I went along. I’d made my decision to end the night on a spontaneous note.

It was my first time visiting the home of a boy I barely knew. With eyes for windows and a black hole of a door, James’ two-story house questioned my presence. This is so not me, I thought, following the crowd.

I was always the girl who would have fun, but not test the waters per se. Of course there were times when I pushed limits, but only when I knew what the consequences would be.

Inconvenient ‘Love’
All of us ended up in James’ room. It had a claustrophobic vibe. I wasn’t sure if it was because it was cluttered or in the attic, but right when I was about to turn around and walk straight out, Steven planted his strong hands on my back and guided me back in. He took me to the bed to watch movies with him while Cindy and James watched with a blanket on the floor. Steven was obviously very comfortable around females.

I, on the other hand, was nervous, and my usually dry palms started to sweat. What’s going to happen next? I’m going to flip out, I thought, but I kept my cool. You never know how things could go. And I felt like my limits weren’t exactly tested yet.

Halfway through the second movie, Steven wrapped his arms around me and moved in for a kiss. I didn’t push away, and he kissed me! I followed and put my hands gently on the nape of his neck and made the kiss last just a bit longer. We continued our merge into each other’s physical space, almost forgetting we had company.

“Ahumm,” said Cindy, peeking over the brim of the bed.

When I opened my eyes, I realized we weren’t floating on clouds with angels singing, “Love, love!” We were just in James’ dungeon of a room.

The Ultimate Decision
I knew Steven and I had a connection that would be hard to find when I moved more than 900 miles away, but I wondered whether or not this could lead to true love. When would I even see Steven again? What was the point of this night? What exactly was I accomplishing by doing this? What would my second kiss in life end with, goodbye? Good morning? I knew that I wanted to stay a virgin, but I still let a boy I knew for less than a day plant sweet kisses on my neck.

I stopped. I couldn’t do this anymore — pretend I was promiscuous and on edge when I wasn’t. I mean, no one likes false advertisement.

I told Steven how I felt in the world’s squeakiest voice, and he surprisingly listened to every syllable that escaped my lips.

“We have to stop,” I said removing my hand from his neck.
“What’s wrong?” he replied, slightly massaging my hand.
“Me, this isn’t me or a decision I would be proud of if we go any further. This was great; the night was great, but it’s time to stop.”
“No problem,” he responded.

That’s it? I thought. No rolling off the bed or questions? He didn’t even flinch or get mad. A part of me felt rather immature, yet responsible for deciding not to do something that I might have regretted in the future.

Soon after my speech, Cindy and I left and went back to her house, and I plopped onto her hard unforgiving bed. I was confused about what I wanted and unsure that I would even hear Steven’s voice again before I moved. I wanted badly to be emotionless, but I was just sad. Neither Cindy nor the tears streaming down my face could reduce the pain of having to move away before Steven and I could actually develop a relationship. I believe that I chose the right path of stopping with Steven before something I would regret occurred. But why did it have to hurt so bad?

Common Compromise
The next day Steven showed up at Cindy’s house asking to see me and wanting to know if I was OK, but I had already gone home. My generous friend, however, gave him my number, and he texted me soon after.

I let him know that I wasn’t in my right state of mind the night before and that I was moving in a couple weeks.

Steven apologized for his role. He also told me that he and his ex, who he’d been dancing with, were just good friends. He let me know that he liked me from the moment I walked into the park weeks ago and that he wanted a relationship with me the moment I awkwardly stepped inside Cindy’s house. Steven said I was “different,” something he craved from his everyday hood life. I was bashful and one of a kind. He let me know that when our tongues weren’t down each other’s throat, our conversation was unique. This guy had a sense of humor!

Before I left, we agreed that a long distance relationship wouldn’t work, especially with us not knowing enough about each other. So we decided to stay friends. I was OK with it, but of course my mind ventured off to what could have been between us if I stayed. That was just the human in me.

Steven and I continued talking even after I moved away and settled down in Stone Mountain. His effort and genuine conversation let me know he liked me and not just the idea of having sex with me. Steven became a true friend whom I love and care for. He gave me advice, even after I got my first boyfriend this past year. And we still keep in touch when we find the time.

I still sometimes wonder what could have happened if I had chosen to go further than just making out that night. Would I have ended up having sex if he led us to a private room? I highly doubt I would have felt good losing my virginity with a guy I probably wouldn’t see again. I know now that my decision to wait was best for me.